Final Farewell
by Falling to Fly
Summary: Sometimes, goodbye can never be enough, but sometimes... sometimes goodbye is all that's left.


**Today, for reasons that I really can't explain, I found myself going through some old BTR episodes I have stored away in iTunes. There were some that I knew every line to, and some that I had never seen before, but it was Big Time Rush all the same. I really can't explain what happened.**

**I left this fandom months ago, without much of a goodbye or an explanation, and that was not fair of me. I think I'd known for a while that I would be leaving, because for reasons that I'm still not sure of, the world of Big Time Rush and fanfiction had just lost it's appeal to me. I'd always intended to finish everything I'd been working on, and then leave you with some sort of goodbye fic. It sounds stupid, I know, but even back then I knew how wrong it would be of me to just leave everything without looking back. But that's just what I did.**

**And I am so sorry for that. I thought that I was doing the right thing by stopping everything I had worked for, and that was so selfish of me. I left readers who had been faithful to me since day one with nothing, and I left friends behind without so much as a goodbye.**

**I know that this doesn't make up for things. I am not coming back to this, because it simply isn't my passion anymore, and I know I am leaving the fandom in the hands of very capable people. But there are some of you whose forgiveness I can't ask for, but I will, because I am sorry. Those of you whom I knew in my time here, and I think you know who you are, I am sorry. If I can find the courage, I will try to find some way to tell you personally instead of in some author's note, but if you read this, know that I am sorry if you feel that I left you in some way. I'm here to say goodbye now, and try as hard as I can to explain my actions.**

**Disclaimer: I do not, nor will I ever own, Big Time Rush.**

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><p><em>I must go, I must leave this place<br>__I have somewhere to go  
><em>_I have a new road to follow  
><em>_I must go, and though I wish I could stay  
><em>_There is something beyond what I see  
><em>_I must go._

-**"I Must Go," Last Tuesday**

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><p>Sometimes, all that's left is goodbye.<p>

James Diamond knows this better than anyone. His whole life has been one big change, one move to another, and not just in a literal sense. Somewhere, in the midst of his childhood, he learned that there is no permanence in life, only a punctuated equilibrium, and no matter how hard he tries to settle down, how much he wants to have something constant in his life, he knows now that it can never be.

Solitude, to him, was not something that was sought out; it just naturally came to him. He's found some friends along the way, tried to hold onto their companionship, just to feel what it's like to have that kind of love, that kind of trust. And it feels _good. _To know that somebody loves him, accepts him for who he is, is so welcome after a life of never being in one place long enough to maintain that friendship that he's so desperately craved. It's a warmth that doesn't compare to anything he's ever felt, and every part of him needs to hold onto it and never let go.

But it can never be, and he knows it.

It is simply not who he is. He's not like Kendall, who seems to have an answer to everything. He isn't like Carlos, with with his youthful naivety and charm. He's no Logan, with his infinite wisdom. He's just James, and somewhere, deep down, he thinks he's always known that.

It's never really been a question of what he has and hasn't wanted. He's wanted a lot of things in his life, and not wanted even more, but it's never been about that. No, it's always been a matter of what he can and can't have. When he was younger, he wanted a puppy, but his mother said they couldn't because it would be too hard to take care of. When he was a little older, he wanted to live a normal life, without some Estee Lauder mom and washed-out rocker dad, but it couldn't be, because that was just the way his family was.

And now, when he so desperately wants to stay, to hold onto the band, his family, his _family_, for just a little bit longer, he knows that he can't.

There's a long lists of reasons why; he knows, because they've become his mantra. He's spent countless hours debating himself, preparing for the inevitable protests when he finally finds the strength to walk into Rocque Records and hand in the papers that will break his contract. And he knows that they will not let him go without a fight, because in the years that he's been friends with them, he's been able to decide one thing about them: they will never give up on something they believe in.

He knows that this is going to hurt them; they've already lost before, and somehow he knows that it's going to be so much worse this time around. At least last time he'd known that maybe inside that it wasn't permanent and that he'd be able to come back. This time, if he walks out that door, he's all too aware that it will slam shut behind him. There will be no going back once he takes that final step: no more Big Time Rush, no more Kendall, Carlos, and Logan.

And he's accepted that.

Whenever he needs to convince himself, he tells himself that the only real reason he hasn't left before now is because he knows the pain his departure will leave them with. It's what's kept him up for the last few months, stopped him from signing the papers and leaving without taking another look back. Because he knows that he _will _look back, and when he does, he will see the destruction that has been left his wake.

He's been telling herself that he's scared for them. Scared that Kendall will self destruct and find a way to blame himself. Scared that Logan will give up, because heaven knows how much he's sacrificed to get them to this point. Scared that Carlos will never accept it, and lose himself when people try to make him.

This is what he's told himself. That these fears for his friends are the only reason he has for staying. And it's true, this has been a very effective way of convincing himself not to leave, and every concern he has is genuine. But really, he knows that the real reason is that he's scared for himself.

Over the years, James has been called just about everything a person could think of, and even a few others when people decided to get creative. But the ones that have stuck with him along the way are the ones he knows his friends see: strong, loyal, selfless. They've seen him look impossibility in this face without so much as blinking, and then watched him walk away, a victor, as though nothing had happened. This is the James Diamond they know; the unwavering one that cannot be brought down. The James Diamond that he knows, and that he's managed to keep hidden from the rest of the band, is not this same man. None of them have ever truly been able to see how vulnerable he is, especially around his friends.

That is why, if he's willing to look deep within himself, he can say without a doubt that the real reason he's stayed for so long is for himself. This band has always been his family, this band has become his life, and every moment since his birth has led to who he is today, for better or for worse. It's not something that he feels quite ready to let go of. There's a safety in this life that goes beyond the body guards and the security cameras; it's the consistency in the love and the friendship he has been given, and the helping hands that have always kept him from straying off the path.

And that is why he knows he must leave. It's not that he doesn't think he'll be able to depend on his friends; he knows that any one of them would throw themselves in front of him and take a bullet, or a knife, or any other weapon a person might be wielding. It's himself. He's become too settled into this life, and settling is just not something James Diamond does.

He's once told his friends that everyone must do what they feel is right, no matter the consequences. He stands by what he said then, just as he stands by what he says now. It's time for him to go. It's not something that he really wants, but it's what he knows is right, and listening to his heart has never led him astray before. For this reason, he knows that soon he will find himself giving farewells and packing his bags. And even though it hurts him more than anything he's ever had to do, it's something that he has to do, and he knows better than to argue.

Sometimes, there are pieces that can be picked up and pieced back together. If one tries hard enough, they might be able to find something to hold onto, to keep a relationship together. Sometimes there are second chances, where things can find a new beginning and new opportunities to make things right. And sometimes…

Sometimes all that's left is goodbye.

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><p><em>And though I feel like I'm losing myself as I fear leaving all this behind me<br>I will not, I will not lose my faith as I go  
>For my fears will be vanished in time<br>And I know that I will be fine._

_And I will not forget you, I could not forget you  
>Even though I cannot be by your side<br>But life's course has brought us to this place, tomorrow we must embrace  
>And seek joy in this bittersweet goodbye.<em>

**-"I Must Go," Last Tuesday**

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><p><strong>I feel like I've said everything I needed to in the first AN, but I will say it one more time: I'm sorry. This will be the last time I ever write for this fandom. I wish you all the best.<strong>

**-Falling to Fly**


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